Control
by only-mj
Summary: "Sometimes… You just need something in your life that you have control over… If I can control one-hundred percent what I do or do not put into my body and when… I can give my mind the illusion that I actually have control over my life…" Set during Episode 18 of the Anime. Trigger Warning: Eating Disorder Mention


_**Disclaimer:** This is meant to be nothing more than a personal reflection piece. This story simply explains my personal disorder and what has worked best for me in my personal recovery. I understand that everyone's situations are different and what has helped me might not help someone else. If you are struggling, please seek professional assistance._

* * *

"Hey… Uhm… Ryuzaki?" Light muttered, rubbing his wrist where the shackle rested. The older man did not respond, too preoccupied with chewing on his fingers nails. Light shifted uncomfortably where he sat on the edge of their shared bed. "I'm, uhm, sorry… For earlier…" He continued awkwardly.

L blinked, unceremoniously spitting out a finger nail. "Whatever for, Light?" He responded monotonously as he continued to stare out the window at the setting sun.

The question caught the brunette off guard as the red light from the window accentuated the bruise forming around L's right eye. It was not difficult for him to pick up on the fact that L was upset. Light had thought that L would feel better after talking about the cause of his depression earlier, but Light also felt that he had only made matters worse by flying off the handle and punching L repeatedly in the face. "For… Hitting you earlier. You're completely entitled to how you feel. And the source for your depression is valid. I… I got defensive. I shouldn't have lashed out like I did." Light elaborated, giving the older an apologetic look.

L turned slightly to face Light, studying him carefully for a moment through his dark bangs. "Interesting…" He muttered, staring down Light in a way that made him uncomfortable. "You can tell that something else is upsetting me besides the our lull in the Kira Investigation… but you don't know what it is so your most logical guess is that I'm upset by this." He thought out loud, pointing to the bruise on his face. Light nodded slowly, trying to keep up with his train of thought. "While that would be a fair assumption… I do realize now that my phrasing earlier might have been out of line." L admitted, turning to look back out the window. "If I were in your position and someone had told me that they _wanted_ me to be Kira I would probably react the same way… Please don't beat yourself up over it…" He concluded as he resumed chewing on his nails.

"Well… What is it then? Do you wanna talk about it?" Light asked kindly.

Black eyes shifted back towards the adolescent. L let out a sigh, pulling himself away from his spot by the window as he crossed the room to where his laptop sat on a table. He ignored Light's grunt of protest as he stepped away further than their chain would allow, forcing the brunette to stand up and follow him across the room. Chewed up fingers typed in a few codes on the laptop, and the room immediately went dark.

"Ryuzaki, what's—" Light started before he was cut off by L's cell phone ringing.

"Ryuzaki." Watari's concerned voice called on on the other end of the line. "We've lost the visual and audio surveillance feed on your floor. Are you and Light alright? I'm booting up the backup feed now."

"No, Watari. There's no need." L reassured him. "I just need to discuss something private with Light. I promise we'll be alright. I'll let you know when the feed can be turned back on. We shouldn't be long. Thank you." He explained calmly before hanging up the phone.

"So, Wait. You can just turn off the camera feed at will?" Light asked, having to admit that he found this bit of information rather infuriating. " _You_ can choose to not be under surveillance whenever _you_ want?"

"I don't need to be under surveillance at all times because I'm not a suspect in the case." L dead-panned and promptly shut the younger up. "And if we're going to be chained together for the indefinite future there's something you should probably know about me that I'd rather the other members of the task force not know."

Light could easily pick up on how serious L was at the moment. He nodded carefully. "You can tell me anything. And I promise it won't leave this room."

L gave him an incredulous look. While he did think of Light as a friend, it was hard to say whether or not he felt he found him trustworthy. He knew very well he could be giving Kira his own weaknesses, but he supposed that Light might already knows these given how long they had been handcuffed together. L finally nodded. "How old are you Light?" He asked after some hesitation, dragging Light across the room once more to crouch on the foot of their bed.

Light blinked, unsure what that had to do with anything. "Eighteen? Why?" He asked before carefully sitting down beside L.

He gave a small nod, chewing on this thumb as he spoke. He was quiet for a moment, as though decided how to phrase what he wanted to say. "I almost died when I was your age. Obviously I'm better now but… it was not a fun time in my life." He admitted softly.

Surprised, Light leaned forward, suddenly very interested in the conversation, having not expected that kind of admission. "Seriously?" He asked, unsure if he was still being baited or not.

L nodded slowly, biting down onto his thumb to keep his hand from shaking. "I… I stopped eating… And in response… My heart stopped beating temporarily…" He exhaled deeply through his lips before biting down on his knuckle as he waited for his friend to respond.

Light did not react at first. He carefully studied the mad next to him. As guarded as L usually was Light found it surprising how easy it was for Light to pick up on how hard this was for L to talk about. "You… Stopped eating? Why? We both know you're smart enough to know that you need to eat to live."

L allowed himself to smile. "Yes… That's what the doctors said, as well." He admitted, a far off look in his dark eyes. The two sat in silence for a long moment. L biting down on his tense white knuckles, Light not sure what he was expected to say or do.

The adolescent finally made a move, taking L's wrist and giving it a light tug. "Hey. You don't have to do that. Come on."

Reluctantly taking his fingers out of his mouth, the detective studied the dark bite marks now on his knuckles. "There's… So much in this world that we have no control over…" He spoke softly, looking down at his hands. "Whether you believe in some destiny or higher power or not… We really have no control over the the things that happen to us. Don't you agree?"

Light thought for a moment before shaking his head. "No… I'm sorry I can't say I do. You think we as humans don't have any free will?"

"I mis-spoke. I'm sorry." L responded quickly. "We have the free will to react to any situation in any way that we might find appropriate. But as humans all we really do is react and adapt. It's all we can do. It doesn't matter how much we plan at the start. For example, I can anticipate you wanting to be confined to prove your innocence, but I can't plan for the killings to start back up again. You can plan for me to eventually release you from prison, but you could not have seen this coming." He explained, holding up his arm that had chain attached. "And that's no fault of ours. We're humans. We just don't have the power to see how it all ends, no matter what we do." He paused to lick his dry lips before continuing, daring to look over to Light. "And on a broader scale, humans can eat right and exercise and still fall ill; humans can save money and budget expenses appropriately and still lose their jobs; humans can be safe and cautious and still die in unforeseeable accidents." He began to speak quicker as he could feel his heart accelerate. "We can't control when our bodies get sick. We can't control how well we age. For the most part we can't control when we die." His dark eyes met Light's as he dared to continue. He could tell that Light was picking up on his train of thought and he knew that he was safe to continue. L leaned forward on the balls of his feet. "Despite all of the elements in our lives that we are powerless to control…" He held up on finger between them. "There is one thing… One thing that most humans can control, I'd say, a majority of their lives."

Light thought for a moment, processing the information L had given him thus far in their conversation. He tapped his chin thoughtfully before finally speaking. "What they eat?"

"What they eat… How much they eat… How little they eat…" L looked away, retreating into himself to hold onto his shins. "Sometimes… You just need something in your life that you have control over…" He gripped his pant-legs tightly. "If I can control one-hundred percent what I do or do not put into my body and when… I can give my mind the illusion that I actually have control over my life… Sometimes the stomach says that it is hungry, but the mind is the one that is really in control… And if the mind tells the stomach 'No' enough times… The body stops feeling hunger… And then one gains control over two aspects of their life… Do you understand?" L dared to ask softly.

Truth be told, he did not like the direction the conversation had gone. It scared him how he could understand what L was saying to an extent. "What happens to the mind when the heart takes control over the body and stops doing it's job, though?" Light asked carefully.

The older man swallowed. "It compromises… The mind tells the heart 'Fine. I'll eat something. But it's going to be whatever I want.'" Light could not help but smile, realizing the reasoning behind the detective's unconventional eating habits. "And the heart and the rest of the body just has to deal with it." L continued. "Do you… remember what Misa said during your date earlier today? When I asked if I could have her cake?"

Light nodded. "'Cake makes you fat'? Ryuzaki, I wouldn't put much thought into anything that Misa says if I were you…" He offered him a smile. "Besides, you look fine." He added, hoping the compliment would boost his spirits.

"I'm not worried about what she said." L responded quickly. "The implications behind her words is what I find concerning. The… restricting food. Good food. It's…" He thought for a moment, going back to biting his nails and only slightly surprised when Light did not stop him. "It's something that I hope to be strong enough for someday…"

The younger blinked. "I'm sorry, Ryuzaki. I don't understand."

"Well… Between you and me… I fear as soon as I start restricting my food again… I'll go too far…" He took a deep breath. "I'll die."

Light shook his head immediately. He really hated lingering on the idea of people around him dying for no good reason. "I don't think so." He stated quickly. L looked up at him, curious look in his eyes. "I think you have more control that you think you do. I think you are smart enough to learn from your past experiences." He nodded, trying to encourage the other man. " _You_ know you. You know that you're the only person that can control your life and your body. You know how strong you are. You know how much control you have and you are strong enough and smart enough to not compromise that control again."

He caught a small smile forming on L's face before the older pulled out his cell phone. "Watari? You can turn the cameras and wire taps back on." He ordered and waited for Watari to give an affirmative response. "Oh. And also… Can you bring Light and I dinner, please?"


End file.
